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Channel: Diana Davis – The Spew
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IT FOLLOWS (An awesome horror movie. An awesome fitness plan.)

I saw It Follows on Sunday. It’s that new horror movie on Netflix about a girl who is stalked by an evil, unknown supernatural entity. I spent an hour and 47 minutes thinking: Holy shit! What better...

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#244)

Happy Friday Bitches! Here’s this week’s list of useless shit that will make you moderately more interesting at parties. You’re welcome. 1. The Bubble Lizard. I want one. That’s not true. Lizards are...

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Getting Published Is Like Finding That Dorito With all the Cheese

Occasionally my posts get republished on other sites and it’s an awesome thrill for me for two reasons: 1.) It means that at least a few people are actually reading my blog and 2.) It means that...

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST #245

I recently got into an unmarked car with a strange man who picked me up on the side of the road in one of New Jersey’s most notoriously dangerous cities. The police call this behavior unsafe and...

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I’M NOT A MOMMY BLOGGER

I’m not a mommy blogger. Because if I were I would have to admit that I’m a mom and that it’s no longer acceptable for me to get wasted at happy hour, only to find myself still out at 4am … Continue...

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I’M SORRY JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

I watched all of Big Love (HBO’s 2006 drama about modern day polygamists starring Bill Paxton and Jeanne Tripplehorn) angry at Tom because “How could a man be such a douchebag and cheat on his wife...

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YES, I HAVE A STARING PROBLEM

When I got an email from Warby Parker eyewear I thought: Oh shit! The jig is up. They know I use their product to unabashedly stare at strangers behind the protection of their summer collection. Crap....

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#246)

Am I the only one who hates soup spoons? It’s as if they were created solely to encourage really loud and annoying slurping. And, the only thing worse than slurping is open-mouth chewing—punishable by...

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#247)

Why the hell do we ask if the “cat got your tongue?” What in god’s name were we doing to our cats to make them want to claw out our tongues? Or worse, what were we doing with our tongues … Continue...

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DOUCHEPASTE

We ran out of toothpaste this morning. So I rummaged through my cabinets and found some weird PBA-free, gluten-free, low carb, phosphate-free, vegan toothpaste that was in a swag bag from some douche-y...

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JERRY THE BEAR

An amazing little startup company called, Sproutel asked me to write about their product Jerry the Bear. Without knowing anything about Jerry, I immediately jumped at the opportunity because—OH. MY....

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#248)

Maybe it’s the Sudafed talking (more on that in a minute) but why the fuck are we relying on a European model to tell us where the hurricane is headed? They don’t even get hurricanes in Europe! On that...

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The $25,000 Pyramid Method

I’m going to get hate mail for this—from my mother. I haven’t written anything in like two months. That’s because Tom and I moved… into a house. A house! (But that’s a post for another day). My mother...

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SORRY I RUINED YOUR LIFE (AGAIN), TOM…

Remember a few months ago when I wrote that blog post about Tom being just like the guy in the State Farm commercial that never wanted to get married, never wanted to move to the suburbs and never...

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I OWE MY BACHELOR’S DEGREE TO A TUXEDO CAT

They’re probably going to revoke my bachelor’s degree for this. But what the hell! Who needs a bachelor’s degree anyway? (That’s not a rhetorical question. After fifteen years in the work force, I’d...

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I’M PART OF A NEW YORK TIMES BEST-SELLING BOOK SERIES

This is fun. I was asked to participate in a project called, A Letter To My Baby. It’s part of the fourth installment of the New York Times best-selling book series, A Letter To My…. Of course I jumped...

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I’m Writing A Blook. (But You Probably Think I’m Off To A Bad Start Since I...

I woke up with an idea. I’ll write a “blook”—a blog that reads like book and I’ll release each chapter on my blog as I write it. (Somehow I don’t think I’m the first to think of this.) Then I …...

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Chapter 1: My Childhood Summed Up Through a Bunch of Weird and Somewhat...

(If you have no idea what this is, read the previous chapter first: I’m Writing A Blook. (But You Probably Think I’m Off To A Bad Start Since I Don’t Even Know How To Spell Book.)) This list consists...

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Seriously, who let us get married?

Every relationship needs a yin and a yang, a salt and a pepper, an apple and an orange, a chocolate bar and a giant jar of peanut butter. It’s imperative that when one person screams, “There’s a...

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Chapter 2: And That Was The First Time My Mother Stuffed My Bra With Socks

If you have no idea what this is, read these chapters first:  Introduction: I’m Writing A Blook. (But You Probably Think I’m Off To A Bad Start Since I Don’t Even Know How To Spell Book.)  Chapter 1:...

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