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panffle or wafcakes?
Yesterday I asked, “Has anyone seen Alex’s hair tie?” My father-in-law looked down, thought for a moment then pointed to something on the floor, “Do you mean this black ring?” A few minutes later he...
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‘The Walking Dead,’ Season 7, Episode 1 Review (Kinda): Who’s got a pen?
Ok, so you watched the season premiere of The Walking Dead, right? Did you see that crazy scene when Negan was about to force Rick to cut off Carl’s arm and he asked that guy, Simon, for a pen…and he …...
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5 shades of coffee
I take my coffee beige. Not brown or ivory or that awful cadaver gray color you get when you use skim milk. And certainly not black—Jesus, who do I look like, Vin Diesel? I assume he takes his coffee...
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I hate this scarecrow.
I told Tom the stick was supposed to go in the ground. He didn’t listen. Now we have the creepiest scarecrow on the block because he’s a stalker. A stalker with a stick up his ass. The worst kind. And,...
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THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 7, EPISODE 2 REVIEW
Here are 5 things that made me want to feed myself to a walker on this week’s The Walking Dead. 1. TONY THE TIGER It’s mind blowing how the same people who can make a decaying cannibalistic corpse...
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The Walking Dead, Season 7, Episode 3 Review
Here’s this week’s list of things from The Walking Dead that made me want to feed myself to a walker. Who’s The Boss?!! This episode started with the opening credits to the 80s sitcom, “Who’s The...
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#SpewLove
Ok, I get it. You’re pissed that Donald Trump won. Or, you’re pissed that everyone else is pissed that Donald Trump won. Either way, all of this hate has to end before someone loses an eye. (The...
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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#249)
This morning I looked down at my coffee and it was like, “You haven’t written a useless shit list in how long!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” So here it is…#249. If you hate it, blame Tim Horton. (Great coffee, by...
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The Girls
I have two daughters— a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old and although their names are Alexandra (Alex) and Charlotte (Charley) everyone insists on referring to them as “the girls.” While it’s a totally...
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My Childhood Summed Up Through a Bunch of Weird and Somewhat Offensive Shit I...
****I’m re-blogging this old post in honor of my grandmother who spoke to me through a plate of lasagna in my dream last night.**** This list consists mostly of things that my grandmother or my mother...
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A Pubic Service Announcement
I Windex’d my magnifying mirror this morning. From now on I will only interact with cataracts and glaucoma patients. I’m also putting back the layer of dust I removed and adding an extra layer to all...
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It took me like 30+ years, four years of marriage and two babies but I finally did it! I made Christmas cards. How exciting. So what do you think it will take for me to actually send them? Ok,...
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What’s wrong with my kids?
I’ve heard rumors that babies are in the best mood when they first wake up in the morning. And that upon hearing a soft, sweet cooing coming from the nursery, the parents of these babies walk in and...
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Happy 2017! As you try to remember where you left your bra last night and start trying to redeem yourself by writing resolutions, remember that there’s nothing greater than the feeling of...
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The Spew Bib
Now your infant can tell the world she’s gonna spew (it’s the considerate thing to do) with the bib that will change your life forever (lies). You’ll be revered for your impeccable taste in bibware...
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What if God is a cod?
I’m a practicing “Bad Catholic.” That means the closest I come to going to mass is shouting, “Holy Shit! Learn how to drive, Jackass!” from my car window at churchgoers who don’t pay attention to...
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Mack N. Cheese
My 2 year-old Alexandra eats Kraft Macaroni and Cheese every single day of her life. Even if I offer her something else (like peanut butter cups and vodka) she’ll still drag herself across the floor...
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BrundleElmo
Alex went to a birthday party yesterday and an incredibly talented balloon artist made her this Elmo. One night in my house with my kids and Elmo looks like this: Also known as BrundleElmo. (Only a...
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Graffiti Dick
This morning I was stuck sitting on a train that didn’t budge for 15 minutes and while I would normally spend that time cursing out the train conductor and questioning all of my life decisions, instead...
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The Blannel
Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Probably because today was the first time I sat next to this guy on the train. At first I was like: Why does he have bacon just sitting on his lap like that without …...
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